you look so pretty
in your skin
if you'd only wear it comfortably
let me wash
over you
and maybe
i will let you in.

i told you we would marry next september which would be nice if the sun was out and the bees didnt sting and die and rot and lie and i need you to know i think i could love you properly if i understood myself. you jade are perfect and so far away from me.

i want to love you in that crazy way i knew i could if it didnt make me want to throw up and drown in my silence because i dont know how to connect any more only run away and i cant rely on myself any more than you can.

i cant take much more failure.
i cant take your kisses if i dont return them properly.
but i want to.

i want to.

all suited up
she saw me real as i get
i saw her
mine,
our proud eyes echoing
the other's gaze.
-------------------------
i wish she would see herself as i do.

my princess jade :)

i wish i would show her how i see myself.

------------------------

rent is painful, wonderful, draining. i am too self involved to just skate through it- i can feel every tiring moment stabbing me in the stomach. maybe i am crying for myself.

and i keep thinking, i'll just buy a point or two for the after party. no one will know. i deserve it. after screaming for it, crying for it for a week non stop, i deserve some numb.

but i won't. if not for my sake, then for hers.