old love, recent lies+lost friendship, new-like-something-nice....

any time now would be fine, to let go.
i spoke to mel on the phone and all this SHIT jitters on through me over me up my spine like someone screaming too loudly, only that's me screaming that's my voice and my hand slamming hard against the door. i try and shake it out of my head with sudden movements but my brain is buzzing and my scalp is crawling and it's her, it's her that makes me feel like this.
if i wanted to i could just not reply to her messages. 'IT'S HARD HEARING YOUR VOICE TOO' but she calls me keth and says she dreams of me. i know it's lies but i lived by those lies. i wanted her to love me right and she didn't, we didn't and i still think it was my fault despite what i say to everyone. she didn't know me but she owned me and she still does and I WANT TO SHAKE IT OFF ME.

maybe it isn't real it's just me drawn to the drama we create and the safe feeling of rotting and worthlessness that she brings me.

---andrew didn't know he came too soon couldn't see i couldn't love him enough when i was amazed the real world wanted me when i still wanted to crawl as far back as i could from it/it was too loud and bright for me/and so am i/wanting for him to gently rescue me, coax me out from myself and my wicked thoughts and ways. andrew i needed to hold my hand/if we'd only fit properly/but i was scared of the masculine shape of it all/i couldn't get over mel and my detachment from men/i couldnt commit to him/so we never got anything, only half friendship and half promises i made on wings/wanting for us to fly together and shoot up wished love somewhere maybe behind the eyes so only we could see it----
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i am seeing a wonderful woman now. she is gentle and caring and says all the right things and is a perfect projection of everything i look for in a person and i am trying to say the right things but i am scared/of a lot/i am too shut off with too much misplaced love-maybe not love-just the past, just emotion, still looming. but i will do this right, and slowly. and i will not need anyone else-and the great thing is, even though she has gone away for a few weeks, I haven't needed anyone else. I'm just waiting for her to come back and we can take things slow and gentle like her kisses that leave me feeling dizzy and unbalanced, in a good way for once.