some strange red-haired woman hit on
my woman on the tram
guess im not
the only one
who sees how beautiful she looks
in that brown hoody
and nike cap.
------------------------

give me something concrete.
what if i give you; my right shoulder
it leans slightly when im overwhelmed
unbalanced.
what if give you the time it takes for me
to get out of your car,
the cracked part of my upper lip.

back to 45kg and mel's beginning to look at me like i might still be beautiful. im beginning to find it a little less difficult to administer every day feats of strength like opening a bottle of coke. i look a bit less like a junkie and more like a woman. i can feel the skin of my arms rubbing against my body and im starting to feel a bit sick. but im getting there.

have noticed a pattern-i can't write any more.
which means i am moving somewhere beyond expression

the twitch of my nails by my wrist my stomach turns over i throw up ani di franco loops in the circles i am doing this to myself

hypocondriac make believe pyscosis typical bisexual lesbian teenage i am just like everybody else

i always pick at my nails when things get tense. my cuticles red raw and ugly. i think, its maybe me that's the nasty habit.

i want my cat to stop malting everywhere. i want a job that pays well-though any job right now would be nice. i want to be motivated enough to just get one. i want my hair to fall the way it does when my hairdresser does it. i want to write a poem maya angelou would be proud of. i want to be able to dance with out caring what anyone thinks. i want to dance. i want to act and not have to wonder if thats really what i want. i want her to see me the way i see her. i want to be genderless. i want to be without sexuality or any thought of sexuality. im a mel-esbian. i want to be thin. thinner. i want to not care any more about my weight. i want to understand why in the past couple of weeks ive cared so much. i want to stop waiting for something to make me happy, and just be happy. i want to bleed all over the silly ethnic carpets my mother payed thousands for. over the wooden floorboards. i want to stop blaming things on my cunt and realise its probably just me. im the cunt. i want to remember my mistakes clearly and not make excuses. i want to be forgiven. i want to disapear. i want to be noticed. i want the woman i love to want to live. i want to be loved, or left alone or something. i want to understand the difference between want and need and i want to get rid of the way my lips curl upwards to the left when then, i dont want anything any more.

now its just me waiting.
every second
spinning
to a halt.
every footstep i tread
cracks in an instant.
i think
if i can prolong
the silences
and tears
i can draw myself in to your image
---------this out a little longer.
i think
if i could find the words
to just tell you I LOVE YOU
-----------------im scared
-----------------i dont know who i am
-----------------you dont like who i am.
-----------------do you LOVE ME?
-----------------do i?
we still wake to find each other,
your side of the bed seems
the other side of the world.
once i couldn't tear you off me.
once we talked for hours
now its always me interupting
----------------me talking back.
now its always me with nothing to say.