tori amos hasnt seemed clearer since i was 16 and walking around parks at midnight.

funniest is it should have been me i feel, if the world was as it once was, it would have been him worrying where i was, who i was with- and i would have been distance somewhere with my arms around anyone else, or even my thoughts. instead it was me waiting. it doesnt matter to me that he didnt cheat on me. that doesnt deserve a medal. it doesnt even matter that he says he doesnt like this girl- this girl he has been spending his time in secret wrapped around like a new fur coat, bad from anyone with a heart looking at its soft, deadly warmth. so yes, i create drama. yes i am a jealous person. only i dont feel jealous, not at all. i feel nothing but sad really. i know irrational jealousy hell i know all kinda of jealousy and thats not what this is. this is like it is to be a fool. it is, of course. of course. even if he doesnt like her, or didnt like her, or whatever the hell it is, even just friendship- it is the deceit /ommission is a lie it is to me/ that kills me. why wouldnt you tell your girlfriend you had made a new friend. this friend who you talk in 'wes' with and share tea for two and i sit quiet because theres nothing i can say and i dont feel angry or jealous because it is so lovely for you, this girl, this life, where i dont even get a breath in. and he says hes been going out a lot and so she came along, but i didnt know that. everything is planned carefully on eggshells to present to me, he has a boys night watching the notebook, he goes to brigids party and doesnt speak to me for two days. he works. and thats all i know. never mind the rest, never mind maybe i would be interested. maybe i want to know about his life.
time stops for us from the time he met her. doesnt matter if its just friendship- it didnt change that i felt left, completely, from when he met her. and i didnt even know there was anyone or anything- i just thought it was me. and matthew protesting that i was unfair to demand love from him, or it was in my head. worse was that dark empty stare when he knew i wasnt being out of line in my tears. he didnt say i was being ridiculous. i guess he knew i was right. i just think, what if it was in reverse. or what if i'd in fact met someone, just a friend, but someone overseas and actually oh by the way i spent the whole trip hanging out with them. slipped my mind. guess i slipped from his.
and the day before i came home, with all the horrible things that made my heart crack and falter- and then he called me baby and i wanted to throw up. because matthew has never called me baby.


"I don't believe you're leaving 'cause me and Charles Manson
Like the same ice cream
I think it's that girl
And I think there're pieces of me you've never seen
Maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen

Well all the world is
All I am
The black of the blackest ocean
And that tear in your hand
All the world is
Danglin'... danglin'... danglin' for me
Darling, you don't know the power that you have
With that tear in your hand
Tear in your hand

....

Caught a ride with the moon
I know I know you well
Well better than I used to
Haze all clouded up my mind in the daze
Of the why it could've never been
So you say and I say
You know you're full of wish
And your 'baby baby baby babies'
I tell you there're pieces of me you've never seen
Maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen "

tori amos- tear in your hand.