what have you done with your life in five years? i used to measure my life in events that i could map and measure the change through now everything's vague and blurred together with common threads and time is confusing and i feel like i have forgotten a lot of my life. and i feel like there are some things that wont let me forget who i am. what have i done?
drugs, sex, lovelust, betrayal, drugs, sex, betrayal, love, obsession, abuse, isolation, violence, drugs, betrayal, love, isolation, drugs, sex, assault, betrayal, violence, drugs, love, clean, assault, betrayal, sex, lust, and after yesterday-drugs.
but i was getting myself back together. i was pretty sure. a wonderful girfriend, STABLE, caring, perfect, a great house, family, acting, theatre, friends. had it been a few weeks ago i wouldve been so proud to say who i was and where i have been. as it was, i showed up cracked off my head.
more or less eight months with out that feeling, eight months of clarity and the only way i felt that i could face the grown up world was by facing it through smoke. and now i have nothing. i have to start again. i have accomplished NOTHING and all i wanna do is have another fucking pipe and i just might and i just might screw the big grown up plan where I get better and get over this disease/obsession/love/hate that divides me and scares me.
and here i am again. the same place i was last year. aching for it. with one foul swoop i am back in this place.
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