i am not here and it HURTS.
every day is a struggle. the funniest part now though, is it's too much of a fucking effort to even say it to anyway.

i am somewhere else.

my writing drought....

i had a dream
you asked for three of my poems,
the ones i once offered
as a seat on a crowded train carriage or
spare change for the methodone at a fitzroy chemist,
i promise
i'll show you all
when i find them.

do you need a footnote to my reason?

andrew and kerith take two. (1)

(1a) no more collecting boys to keep busy though i revel in the experiences i give myself. andrew said i should write them down so i can create this book i say i'll make, but i can't quite bring myself to.
you never know what people might read in to it.

(1b) does he know that i am more likely to leave him for a woman because i still cant handle the idea that i would be with a man for my life? that is not who i am. that is not who i want to be.


people have been asking me a lot lately- although i suppose they are normal, every day questions -'how are you' 'are you okay' and i take my time to think of the answer and i say 'yes i am okay. i am. i actually am today.' which means tonight i might not me, or yesterday i was This close, or tomorrow i will have to wake up and see how i am then. and then i shake a little and my heart goes all tight and i think some more.